Losing Her Made Me Find Myself

[Intro – Opening greeting & purpose]

Hello, friends! I’m excited to welcome you to the very first entry of my blog, where I’ll be sharing my reflections on life and the world around us.

You might be wondering why I’ve chosen to write in English for this first post. There are two main reasons behind this decision:

First, English has always been my weakest subject throughout my school years. I’ve decided to take this opportunity to challenge myself and improve my understanding and use of the language. This blog gives me a platform to push my limits and grow.

Second, the topics I want to explore aren’t exactly the kind of things that everyone in my immediate circle might relate to. Writing in English provides me with a bit of distance, allowing me to connect with readers who are genuinely interested in the content without overwhelming my current social environment.

[Part 1 – Divorce & emotional shift]

Yes, just as you’ve seen in the title, I’ve recently gone through a divorce.

After making that decision, I began to question myself. Sadness would come unexpectedly—especially late at night, or during quiet weekends. At first, I tried to resist those feelings, but soon I started letting them flow naturally. I followed them. And in doing so, I realized— I was no longer part of that life.

So now, in this new life… who am I? And how do I want to live the rest of my days?

[Part 2 – Personal history]

She and I had known each other for twenty years—we were classmates in middle school. On May 18th, 2016, by coincidence, I helped her fix her computer. That’s how it all began. We got married in May 2021, held our wedding in June. And in March this year, we walked together into the marriage registration office again—to end what we had started.

Looking back, it’s hard to say who made the final decision. It wasn’t a dramatic breakup—it was more like… we simply drifted apart. When love fades, the relationship becomes a burden. Letting go becomes the kindest choice.

[Part 3 – Reflection begins]

After the divorce, I had more time and energy to observe myself—and the people around me, even strangers.

I started to gather everything I heard and saw, to organize it, connect it, and slowly build my own mental map of how human society works—and what the meaning of life could be.

I know, it might sound a bit funny or dramatic to some. But I’m genuinely doing this.

[Part 4 – Observations of others]

I’ve noticed that many people around me are dealing with so much—mortgages, car loans, raising children, caring for aging parents.

If you really stop and think about it, it’s suffocating.

And yet… they seem to be living just fine. They still post delicious food and fun moments on social media. They still scroll endlessly through Douyin, Weibo, Xiaohongshu during their commutes, before sleep, after meals.

I sometimes feel like I’m more awake than they are. But then again, I also feel more melancholic.

Maybe it’s because of the people I’m surrounded by—the ones who seem stuck in a loop. But when I look around, I also see that many of them, even with such simple routines, still manage to live out a seemingly calm and complete life.

This kind of thinking brought a sense of loneliness. It was like… I had stopped letting life push me forward—and started choosing my own path.

I went from “learning not to think” and “learning not to look too closely”… to suddenly seeing the hidden struggles, the emptiness, the repetition that I had ignored for years.

The system we live in encourages surface-level peace. Because if everyone started asking what life truly means, the system would collapse.

So our environment silently tells us: Buy a home. Get married. Have kids. Pay your mortgage. Retire. Don’t ask questions.

But if we keep living only to fulfill the expectations of the previous generation… Isn’t that kind of tragic?

[Part 6 – Gratitude & forward thinking]

I’m deeply grateful to my ex-wife. She spent her best years with me, nearly a decade. And in the end, it was her courage that broke through the fog in front of me.

She helped me start truly feeling life.

To anyone out there who feels stuck in the present— Maybe this life you’re living right now… isn’t actually the one you want. If that’s true—can you slow down a little, and choose to walk a different path?

Of course, if a relationship is strong, if both people share the same goals and support each other, it’s possible to go far—together.

But for now, I’m learning to enjoy being alone. When you walk alone, you walk fast. When you walk with someone, you walk far.

I’ll give myself a little time—to catch up with the pace of the world. And maybe, somewhere down the road, I’ll meet someone else walking in the same direction.